Rain has me home this Saturday instead of photographing, and among the editing, cleaning, and prepping for a Halloween shindig for my teenagers tomorrow afternoon, I’m also thinking. It’s what I do – All. The. Time. Today, my mind has landed heavily on something I’ve been meaning to write down for years. Pardon me while I write a bit of my heart’s cry…

I have officially photographed weddings for nearly 14 years professionally. That’s hundreds of weddings. Over the years, I’ve come to love wedding days more and more. I love the details, the ever-changing color schemes, and the wedding dress styles, the gorgeous flowers… I love working with wonderful vendors and fabulous families. I love the sweet nerves and tears of the first look, whether it be down the aisle or a few hours before, privately.

Often, I enjoy the comradery of wedding parties, but so many times, I seriously struggle during that half hour of photography with my bride and groom and the people they chose to stand alongside them, which easily spills into the rest of the day. And this breaks my heart.

Wedding parties, traditionally, are the people we want to include in the events leading up to the big day, during the ceremony, and at the reception. Brides and grooms are to give their nearest and dearest friends these roles because it’s meaningful – meaningful on that day. The wedding party should back them in the months before and the years after their wedding. They are usually sisters, brothers, college roommates and childhood best friends.  (I had my childhood best friend, my two high school and college besties and my fabulous sister-in-law in my wedding and I didn’t regret it one bit!)

I’ve seen moms and dads as matron of honor and best man; I’ve seen kids stand right next to their parents as their “best of” and do a bang-up job in supporting and loving them down the aisle and beyond. But more often than not, I see that bridal parties are somewhat filled half-heartedly to, what? Maybe evenly fill the wedding ceremony space? I see inebriated groomsmen not quite able to take care of arriving on time and getting dressed themselves, much less help to support the groom and ready him for HIS day. I see bridesmaids care more about their Instagram selfies and social media standing in their beautiful gowns than swooning over the bride in her glowing glory. I’ve literally watched bridesmaids ignore the bride as she walked in for the reveal, and be “catty” all day long over their “need” for a better make-up artist!  And the stories I have of groomsmen over the years are simply horrific – you’d not begin to imagine. I had to add a sexual harassment clause to my wedding contract after an incident about five years ago; and I come pretty close to walking out of weddings from time to time over actions and downright nasty words from drunk groomsmen these days.

So, brides and grooms - how do you choose attendants?  Think of who has been the biggest support in your life. Remember who has prayed over you and encouraged you; remember someone who has held you accountable over the years during the good and the hard times. Invite those to stand beside you who will love and support your marriage completely. Bridesmaids and groomsmen aren’t simply there to dress up your ceremony and photos! Their presence should testify to their agreement with and promise to support the lifelong commitment you’re making.

Who you ask to stand with you should also be willing and able to walk with you for years after – choose wisely, friends.

(This precious wedding party of Allan and Kelsey Cooley last year was one of my all-time favorites!)